Tag Archives for " Fear "

My Brokenness ~ My Strength

The wound is the place where the Light enters you ~ Rumi

What if each enlightened moment of our Brokenness was actually a connection of who the Divine had really intended us to be?

If we owned and admitted our shortcomings, our faults, our fears, our disappointments, would that fuse our souls together?

Is it in our shattered souls that we are made whole?

The broken pieces of my being could be scattered and abandoned along this journey. I coultumblr_mss663MSVv1s5tpyno1_500d have left behind wounded areas of my heart – wounds that are so old, they would have shriveled up and died if I chose to ignore them.

I could reject the damaged parts of myself – the choices I’ve made in the past for which a plea of temporary insanity could have been used (certainly these poor choices are not over yet)– the ugly thoughts and words that exit my being – the irresponsible actions – the selfish behaviors – the early wounds that have remained infected by careless and unintentional stabs by others…

I could attempt to leave all these damaged and defective pieces of myself to disintegrate.
But then who would I be?

I would have no depth. No compassion. No empathy. I would not know deep love and forgiveness.

I would be empty. I would be nothing without my Brokenness. I would be shallow without my faults.

It is painful to hold, examine, and glue together our jagged, severed, and crushed pieces of who we thought we were – who we dreamed we would become.

Re-examining the wounds is often agonizing – we’ve ignored them for so long because our bodies remember the burning, stabbing, sharpness that dug into our soul.

So, we fantasize about leaving the fragmented and shattered scraps behind, brushing ourselves off and leaping forward with hopes no one notices and no one remembers.

We remember. It doesn’t matter if no one else does. We do. And when we least expect it, the wound stings, sometimes with piercing throbs and torments our weakened being.

Many of us chose to risk the unexpected torment of our past. We gamble with the possibility of emotional dynamite exploding at an inopportune time.

And some of us take an equally hazardous plunge. We choose to step back into the place of pain – the pain package we thought we’d so carefully wrapped up.

It’s an uneasy and frightening step. The fear is that you will be engulfed by the agony, grief, bitterness, and/or sadness and barely escape with more damage and hurt.

But, we are unwrapping the pain package more informed than we were before. We are only bringing light and love to the wound – resuscitating vital pieces of our soul. We are choosing to strengthen what once was weak and forgotten.

We are embracing an opportunity to heal ourselves through this unwrapping. We are bringing fresh air to an infected wound that is seeking to be cared for. If it were not still hurting, you would not hear from it. It would not surprise you by speaking up in the middle of a sleep, in the midst of a benign conversation, or during a calm, quiet moment.

The Brokenness seeks your attention. If it is ignored, Brokenness will grab your attention and disrupt you, just like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

It is scary and unnerving to re-open the pain package. You know what you are opening now. This pain can be temporary. This pain can be grieved. This pain can be examined for glitters of gold and goodness.

You don’t have to do this alone. We all have hidden pain packages. We all have Brokenness. Every. Single. Person.

I would be weak without the emotional cement that reconstructed what once was broken.   My soul would be vacant and my mind desolate if my life were smooth and perfect.

There are gifts and beauty in my Brokenness.

My Brokenness connects me with others.

My Brokenness unites me with the Divine.

My Brokenness is my strength.

Believe. Create. Live.

© 2015 Rebecca G. Townsend


Moving Towards The Light

Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth

~ Pema Chodron

As much as I crave The Light, I find myself hiding in The Darkness.  Not even stepping into the spaces of illumination that are in front of me.

The exposure, the brightness - even the assumed expectation – it is oddly suffocating rather than freeing.

I am paralyzed by the risks – the what if’s – the nudges to transform - the differences that are sure to be seen…and certain to be rejected.

Moving Towards the LightI know movement, evolution, and ultimately a metamorphosis, can compromise the presumed equilibrium in the likes of all types relationships.

Am I strong enough to withstand one more false acceptance with curtness and cunning remarks that pierce the tender spots I finally allowed uncovered?

Even at 44 years old with almost 2 decades of therapy and countless hours of self-reflection and growth, I remain human.  I remain tender.

The mystery of this pain is as distressing as the actual wound.  Why can it be so great and take me back to places of such hurt?

Obviously, the work isn’t done.  The journey isn’t over.  These aches may always be part of me…polishing my heart and soul with each nudge of pain.

Will that be ok?  Can I accept that this is the journey?  My journey may be scattered with emotional minefields.  Navigating these soul-piercing times will give me the fortitude and wisdom to pass along to other Journeyers I encounter.

I want growth.  I want peace – not only for me, for others.  I will be bold. I will be courageous.  I am a brave Journeyer…and so are you.

Together, we will walk towards The Light.

Believe.  Create.  Live.

© 2015 Rebecca G. Townsend