Tag Archives for " Balance "

Beginning Behind

VULNERABILITY WARNING: The content of the following blog has a vulnerability rating of 92 (that was a B when I was growing up). This blog may make you uncomfortable. It may cause you to think differently of me as a result of the humanness exposed. Continuing to read may cause you to disapprove of me or cause you to like me more. If you like me just as you believe me to be, you may not want to read any further…

It’s January 19th and I feel like I’m already so far behind. I could actually strike the words I FEEL LIKE (notice, I did?). The truth is I am very late to this party oballoonreleaseCopyrightPixabyf 2016.

I just took down the Christmas decorations on Saturday, January 16th. Yes. That is 22 full days after Christmas. I had not touched anything – the stockings were still hung, every ornament was still on both trees, nativity scenes were displayed in full glory – even the Wise Men were surprised they were still hanging out 10 days after their arrival. Come to think of it, I can’t even claim all the decorations are packed away – I just remembered one of the door wreaths is more Christmas-y than winter wonderland…sheesh.

Our New Year’s cards to send to family and friends arrived on January 12th; the return address was embossed on the last envelope yesterday. However, the address labels aren’t printed and handwritten note haven’t been penned. I think February 1st is a reasonable goal.

I have zero specific intentions or dreams written down for 2016. Oh, I have well over 50 in my spaghetti noodle brain – but they’ll get lost in the spinning if I don’t purge them onto paper soon.

Most people lose weight between January 1st and 15th.  I opted to gain 5 pounds last week while I was working at one of my favorite healing places on earth, Onsite.  I'm juicing 2 meals a day this week in an effort to break even, but my hanger has interfered with all other efforts of balance and peace.

And because I feel the need to discharge all of this shame and disappointment in myself, I have to lay the blame outside of myself.

I have no more room in my soul for one more ounce of shame!

So, I’m blaming it on the Gregorian calendar. It’s an innocuous thing to indict. Pope Gregory XIII died in 1585 and I’m certain he is due for some modern day accusations.

See, I really don't like it when January 1st falls on a Friday. And in 2016, New Year’s Day was on a Friday. If Pope Greg would have channeled his inner perfectionist, he would have put in some rule about January 1st always being on a Monday. Can I get a resounding “AMEN” on that?

There's something about starting new things on Mondays that make me feel like I’m beginning on a blank slate.

Why would you start new habits on Fridays, Saturdays, or Sundays? It ruins a perfectly good weekend!

Monday is the beginning of a work-week and starting a new habit is work. Creating new patterns and behaviors is a struggle and can be overwhelming. The thought of having energy to kick-start an initially life-sucking practice at the end of a long week makes me want to curl up in tornado safety position and rock myself into emotional safety.

I find it very annoying when The Engineer says, "On January 1st, I’m going to stop eating gluten and dairy." Or, “I’m going to work out from 5am to 6am.” Or, “I’m not eating after 7pm.” He doesn’t expect me to join him in his endeavors. He never assumes I’m game and he never pressures me to join him in these shenanigans. But, seriously…what do I do?

Oh, I eagerly grab the Guilt by it’s horns and wrestle to wear it as scarlet letters broadcasting, “NGE: Not Good Enough.”

Not this year. At the end of 2015, I looked at my January calendar and saw all the fortune I had scheduled. I decided to try to view my calendar as full of opportunities – not busy-ness. I knew The Engineer would be traveling as soon as the holidays were over and I could see the potential for frazzled living.

I chose to offer myself grace and compassion. Gifts I easily give to others, yet struggle to receive for myself. I chose to speak gently to myself even when the messages of “being behind, not being organized, not as good as so-and-so” were as loud and dark as a Black Sabbath concert. It was and is a struggle. Yet, I know I am not alone in trying to walk away from these messages delivered by age-old traditions, family customs, social media, and societal expectations.

Knowing I have fellow travelers makes this journey towards harmony and connection easier and exciting. We are created to be connected in our love, in our shame, in our guilt, and in our joy.

How are you trying to pave a new path according to your inner yearnings? Let’s start a conversation to walk beside one another on this journey.

Believe. Create. Live.

© 2016 Rebecca G. Townsend, LLC

The Badge of Busy-ness

“Be gentle with yourself.  Be gentle with yourself.”

I heard it over and over as I entered consciousness from a restless night of sleep.

The sun was beginning to show itself after it’s own evening of re-charging and it was becoming brighter and fuller.

I was not mimicking such energy in my own awakening.  My eyelids felt like 10 pound sandbags trying to be lifted by a mere pinky finger…gravity is winning.  And I am losing.

“But, be gentle with yourself,” I hear the small voice within cry out for it’s own attention.  Am I to treat myself with kid gloves?  Why do I keep hearing the same thing?

Could it be that I am not listening?  That I am moving too quickly…saying ‘yes’ when I should be saying ‘no’?

How do I change the automated response of ‘yes’ to the perceived selfish reply of ‘no’?

My life has been spent trying to earn the honorable badge of busy-ness.  In my community and in my childhood home, there was a distinguished identity associated with a full plate of responsibilities.

From a young age, I began to correlate busy with worthy.  I viewed someone who was “on the go” as important and valuable. 

I created a script – a story in my head - based on the belief that in order to be a person of influence and prominence, I had to say ‘yes’ to everyone and every opportunity.  I had to be of service to others whenever I was asked…and that it is selfish to say ‘no’ to someone.  It is selfish to not care for others when you have been taken care of so well.

This story line runs deep.  Parts of this story are generational.  I could have possibly been mimicking what I watched my sweet mother do so often and so well – serve others.  How could she not have with the name of Mary Martha?

In her service of others, I watched her stay up late completing promises of baked goods for a church gathering.  I saw her up before the sun to prepare us for school, when we should have been independent in that task.  I saw her live with no boundaries around her own time and our family time.  She ran on empty so often.

And here I sit.  Having just celebrated 44 years of amazing existence on this earth and I realized I am close to being depleted.

I have justified my hectic and active calendar for the last several years because I believe I have finally found my sweet-spot in life. 

I love my life – I love my family – I love my work.  I love the opportunities I have been given in serving our military members and their families.  I love being a witness to and a guide assisting individuals and couples on their journeys.  I love the opportunities I have to share what I have learned, professionally and personally.

I have a crazy amazing life.  I’m overwhelmed when I reflect on the pieces of my puzzle.  The pieces are so beautiful individually and I cannot believe all these blessings are creating my life.  MY life.

{Let me just pause in complete awe of the Divine…my heart is full of gratitude for these gifts of people, talents, and opportunities.}

BUT - Here’s my conundrum – How do I remove this Badge of Busy-ness that has implied such honor?  I have worked diligently to earn this and now I should just rip it off?  Tear it off of my soul’s work?

If I have heard the message of the importance of self-care once in the last two months, I can assure you I’ve heard it well over 4 dozen times.  Yes, almost daily – in a devotional, on a video, from a loved one, at church, in a seminar and…ummm, ironically, I’ve actually taught it to others.

I am beginning to acknowledge the importance.  I am contemplating what self-care would look like in my life.  By exploring new boundaries to preserve time and space for self-care, I am seeking to honor myself and those I love and care for.

I am seeking to be gentle with myself as I experience the pain and guilt of relinquishing this Badge of Busy-ness.

I am seeking balance.  That is the badge I want to earn.  The Badge of Balance.

Believe. Create. Live.

 

© 2015 Rebecca G. Townsend